Uno

I used to write, often and with great clarity. I had a lapse in this writing for others and started to write for myself, journaling and being open with myself in a creative process. It was necessary therapy for me during my most difficult times of my life, it was when living didn't seem worth any effort, my world was crumbling around me and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't share what was going on without feeling as though I would have any kind of scrutiny, and I sure didn't want pity, so I didn't write. My last post blog was over three years ago. And even then it was just a little blurb noticing it had been a year that I had posted something, as it truly had been four years ago when that rug was pulled out from under me, and I caved into myself. So what has happened in the last four years that I stopped writing, blogging, or getting my thoughts out in an open forum? My husband and I divorced. We've only been divorced for two years, however, usually it's bad for several years prior to the divorce, and ours was bad for three years prior, really bad for two. He lost his mind in a bottle of pills and liquor. I tried to maintain the peace, but the pieces fell apart in my hands. My oldest son, being an adult, was in and out of jail, mostly petty things. My teenage son was in and out of juvenile detention, and was sent to a program 250 miles away for four months, and we could only talk on the phone once a week and was only allowed one visit. Before my son went to program my husband was sent to rehab, and then lived in a halfway house during his post recovery. By this time I had fallen out of love, and was done with the relationship. He was not welcome back, and I filed for a divorce. I had no money, my mortgage was more than what I made a month, I was applying for food stamps, and was trying to keep myself together, with four boys in tow. I did receive two miracles, my interest rate was changed and my mortgage was cut in half, and my boys were chosen to participate in a program that would send food for the weekends in back packs home every Friday. Things were starting to come into place and I was feeling like I had made the right decision. I was happier, and the kids were too, but it wasn't without some major pitfalls, emotional roller coasters, and just feeling unworthy. I've made it through.. However, I'm struggling again. I'm not struggling financially, in fact, that's something I don't have to struggle with. I'm not struggling with the kids, they are doing rather well, and I'm thankful for that. I'm struggling because I'm not sure what I want with the rest of my life. I'm being made to feel as though searing for a new great love is supposed to be the main focus on my life, and I hate it. So I'm going to end it there.. I've dated, I've been on dating sites, I've been that woman who's tried. I'm not giving up, I just think doing it in a more unconventional kind of way is what I hope will work for me. Here's hoping. And the rest is yet to come...