7.What is your current state of mind?

My current state of mind is ever changing. I guess now I am just concerned about my parents, my mothers condition, her impending death, my father's heart and how he will handle losing his wife. My state of mind is about being lonely and not having anyone to really reach out to when I'm distressed. It's hard being away from family when there is somewhat of a tragedy happening back home. I was always the grounded one of my family, and they turn to me on a regular basis. I have also had to be the one in my family to make big changes, to have the courage to do so, and to just make things happen. My parents have been married for 45 years now, and I can hear the sorrow in my fathers voice when I talk to him. He feels helpless in the condition of my mother, but he is also not seeing reality and looking, or hoping, for a miracle. My heart aches for him, for my sisters, and for myself in the coming loss of my mother. Being alone doesn't help, I have friends, but in my time of wanting to be weak, it would be nice to have that shoulder to lean on and cry on.

6.What is your greatest extravagance?

Shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes. I don't need fancy shoes, with cool buckles, heels, and such.. I'm a perfectly happy flip flop kind of girl, but I love shoes that are cool, nice, pretty, and make me feel powerful, hot, and sexy. I thought I was never a shoe girl, I was just a shoe girl who was stifled by a short man. I wore nice cowboy boots, would spend a whole paycheck on a new pair that I didn't need. But then being with a man shorter than me, I didn't feel being in heels was fair to him, so I never wore them again. Two years ago I had gone out to a wedding in NM and looked at a few pair of shoes to go with the dress I bought, and I decided on heels. I bought two pairs, the first two pairs in 17 years. I bought a one inch heel and a two inch heel, so nothing spectacular. This was the same time I filed for my divorce, so I knew my being with a short man days were over, and thus, the heels came out. Since then I've bought several more pairs, and a new pair of boots. The sparkly four inch heels are beautiful, as well as the four inch heel boots.. I love them. It's silly, but I try to make sure I buy a good pair that will be long lasting. I still have to add my practicality into my purchase, and get something I can wear with many outfits and for years to come.

5.Which living person do you most admire?

I cannot pinpoint to any one particular person. There is the kid who has started the clean water project in Africa and has wells dug for villagers. And then this other kid I met in Miami who has started a food drive backpack program that helps underprivileged kids eat over the weekend while not in school. Then there is the Dr. I met who went to Haiti, Africa and other places on a humanitarian effort to provide medical services for the poor. I have a friend who has gone through some heavy trials and still continues to smile every day, I actually have a few of those friends. I admire the people I know personally who give me a daily dose of hope. They appear to be your average human being, going about their day doing their thing, you wouldn't know their history, or what they do by just looking at them. I admire those who in the face of adversity, rise above and continue on. I have those people as my friends, I admire them, am proud of them, and tell them so. If I have to choose from a public figure personality, I would have to say Henry Rollins is the man. He speaks out about women and their rights, gays, and their rights, humanitarian objectives, as well as being planet oriented. He shows that being altruistic can be cool.

4.What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Being Selfish. Lacking consideration for others, chiefly concerned with ones own personal profit or pleasure. egocentric, egotistic, egotistical, ego-maniacal, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-seeking, self-serving, wrapped up in oneself; inconsiderate, thoughtless, unthinking, uncaring, uncharitable; mean, miserly, grasping, greedy, mercenary, acquisitive, opportunistic; informal looking after number one "he is just selfish by nature" So many different bad qualities in one simple act. Selfish people are not friends, they cannot be friends, they make terrible mates, and lack empathy. This one was easy, I have known for years that I didn't like selfish people, the world is full of them, and I try to steer clear of them.

3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I thought this one out the most. I deplore and despise my INSECURITY issues. It is a hindering lying long standing, seeded issue that has plagued me for decades. I wish I could find a magic pill that would make my insecurities go away. In essence I somewhat have, it's alcohol, but that just makes me less inhibited. I used to be the person that couldn't make up her own mind, I always needed another opinion, and I often times trusted my parents judgement on my life too much. They are the ones who planted this insecurity seed anyway, through their own fears of the world I didn't learn to trust my own instincts. My insecurities hinder me from taking leaps of faith and stepping out of my comfort zone. My insecurities keep me from going up and talking to that cute guy. My insecurities even keep me from making eye contact at times. It keeps me thinking I'm not good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, just not enough. Insecurities make me feel as though there is a microscope on me at all times. I have the negative self talk that if I try for something I will be mocked, ridiculed and fail. So just don't do it, this comfortable area is much better, if you go out, it might be scary, you might get hurt, you could fail and fall into ruin, don't do it! The voice screams to me. I second guess every decision, I am rarely impulsive and think many things through prior to approaching something important. However, there have been times I have been made to make rash decisions, be quick, not linger, or hinder myself, be decisive and forthright, not back away from conflict, and be someone who is not me. I like this person better, but it comes with a racing heart, wide eyes, and is usually a fight or flight kind of response, not a normal way of thinking, or acting for me. I deplore my insecurities, as it brings out other things I don't like about myself, such as jealousy and fear. Where is my magic pill? I was worse, I guess maybe I did take a magic pill years ago that I didn't know about, it just is a slow release pill. Very slow.

2.What is your greatest fear?

What is my greatest fear? I'm stuck on this, I have many fears, and grew up in a house with a worry wart, fearful father who never took a step out of his comfort zone in fear of many many things. But the real fears are that I fear my own death before my young children are grown and able to take care of themselves, but that is for their sake, not for mine. I don't fear death, unless it is that of one of my children, as I think that would be every parents greatest fear, however, I have known quite a few, too many really, who have experienced the loss of a child and have gone on. I would be devastated, but would go on for the sake of my other children. So, these things are the fear of the unknown. But not knowing what the outcome will be doesn't keep me from trying or experiencing new things. However, with each new step in a new direction, I do have that underlying fear, and it rules my life too much. When I have stepped out of my comfort zone, taken risks, I didn't have disastrous results, things just changed, or were different, not always for the good, but some were for the good. Not always without struggle, and sometimes with more issues compounding it, making me more fearful of my own decisions, fearful of my own next move. So I falter, I stifle, I keep myself in check, primarily out of fear of losing my job, losing my mind, losing something, someone precious to me. The fear of loss, has been something I've struggled with. I kept people I shouldn't have in my life for far too long because I feared the loss of the relationship, only to lose myself in the process. I feared taking a chance, because I feared my own failure and being unsuccessful, but mostly feared being shamed. I feared not having approval, not making others happy, but not making myself happy in that process as well. I have many fears that I have conquered, but they also still haunt me. Like visions of the past of my pain and heartache because of giving into my fears, that should be a reminder of how I also know that fear is a LIAR and will keep you from reaching your full potential, which is another fear of not being good enough. What is my greatest fear though? Watching one of my own children suffer pain, injury and die, it's a realistic fear, one I hope to never have to experience, I fear not dying before they do.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I am responding from the previous post.. When exploring my perfect happiness, it cannot become without having experienced pain, sorrow, grief, anger, resentment, sadness, etc.... Happiness is not the opposite of these things, it is a result of getting through these things and seeing them as a tool to have gratitude. So really I think my perfect happiness is a fullness of gratitude, being truly grateful for what I have, what's before me, and knowing that in itself brings me joy. Thanking the Lord for my health, and the well-being and care taking of my boys is happiness, but I cannot expect heavenly powers to personally make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am responsible for having a perspective that is aligned with my happiness, but that perspective can also align me with jealousy, anger, and resentment. I should solely focus on being happy though, being content with what I have, and being understanding that it's OK to be part of the have-not's of the world, because I am also part of the have's of the world. Knowing I should be grateful for a roof, food, clothing and a job, basic essentials, seems so underrated in comparison to the Kardashians of today's America. But I am happy with my basic needs, as I am providing for them on my own. I work hard, I do what I'm supposed to do, I have a full belly, a warm, or cool house, and live a very comfortable life. I should be happy. I have freedoms that others do not, and even freedoms that women of this world do not have. I should be happy. But what my idea of perfect happiness? Seems such a broad question that brings me back to knowing I am a privileged person, living in a privileged country, even though I struggle with being happy. I am more joyous than happy. Joy comes from being grateful and accepting of a higher power, but happiness, that is of my control, as well of others. Nobody can take my joy, but they can steal happiness from me by being mean, rude, hurting people I love, but in this strife, we struggle to change the circumstances and always move them to be happy. Perfect happiness.. I keep coming back to that. I guess I don't know the answer, I come to joy, I come to contentment, I come to thinking it's purely selfish to have an idea of perfect happiness, as it would only include what would make ME happy. I want everyone to be happy.

many questions

A friend of mine who is a friend of paxus sent me a list of questions he had sent her. She said they took her quite a while to go over and it really opened her up to who she is. I thought it might be interesting to answer a few at a time. I will just leave the whole list here: So many questions.. 1.What is your idea of perfect happiness? 2.What is your greatest fear? 3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? 4.What is the trait you most deplore in others? 5.Which living person do you most admire? 6.What is your greatest extravagance? 7.What is your current state of mind? 8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue? 9.On what occasion do you lie? 10.What do you most dislike about your appearance? 11.Which living person do you most despise? 12.What is the quality you most like in a man? 13.What is the quality you most like in a woman? 14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse? 15.What or who is the greatest love of your life? 16.When and where were you happiest? 17.Which talent would you most like to have? 18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 19.What do you consider your greatest achievement? 20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? 21.Where would you most like to live? 22.What is your most treasured possession? 23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? 24.What is your favorite occupation? 25.What is your most marked characteristic? 26.What do you most value in your friends? 27.Who are your favorite writers? 28.Who is your hero of fiction? 29.Which historical figure do you most identify with? 30.Who are your heroes in real life? 31.What are your favorite names? 32.What is it that you most dislike? 33.What is your greatest regret? 34.How would you like to die? 35.What is your motto? "

to swim, to run

The water carries me, it's the only time I feel lifted, suspended, and weightless. I love swimming, and used to be on the swimming team for my high school. I had more fun than speed or sports agility, but I could swim, I had longevity and stamina, I was one of the few who could do the 100yd swim. I swim now. It's the only time I feel free, graceful, like a ballet dancer performing on the floor, I do what I can, but in the pool. I swim in a 50 meter Olympic size pool, I have a goal of being able to do 32 laps, which is a mile. I swam yesterday, and today. I didn't count my laps yesterday, but today I swam 12 laps, so that's almost 1/4 of a mile.. seems weak, I walk three miles, and have run a mile, but it is different swimming. Someday I might do a triathalon, I have always wanted to. I can train as if I am, and leave the actual doing it up to whether I feel up to it or not. I do think I should enter some 5Ks and start somewhere. I have always been competitive, but try to do it in other areas, at work, home, with the kids, etc.. I should be self competitive. Count my track, my laps, do better the next time, push myself always. I can try to do it.. But as Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try"

friendship schematic

Last night while assisting with a group program, I was talking to another divorcee about not having any friends. I have a few, single friends, but over the last two years my life has changed so much, and so has the schematics of my relationships with others. Seven years ago when I was still in matrimonial blindness, I was part of a very large group of ladies, most of whom were married, had children around the same age of my young two kids, and we all had similar interests. I went to their houses, they came to mine, we did birthday party events for kids, all that regular family jazz. I was a part of something, and the same with my then church family, went to family events, was invited to couples nights, I belonged. For the two years of chaos while I was biting my lip and waiting out my time till I could get out from under my marriage, I did slip away just a little, I resented seeing people happy with their spouses, and having the kind of life I wished I had. So I don't completely blame them, I take responsibility for it as well. When I announced my divorce, so many friends came out of the wood work, were kind, were supportive, were helpful. I needed that, and am grateful. However, as the months went on, I noticed I was invited to less things. Now I made it a point to not talk about my ex, complain, gripe, or anything like that, in all honesty, most people didn't even know there was a problem till I said I was divorcing him. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry. Knowing this, and seeing the contacts dwindle did upset me, but I also expected it. I have learned that married people don't like the example of the divorced person being in their presence, it reminds them that their marriage isn't as good as they would like, or want others to think. I'm also now a threat, their husband may find me attractive, and may want to leave them for me, which I know happens, but for me, it would be a moral implication and a lack of my own self respect and respect for them to allow such a thing. So now that my schematic friendship profile is a lot lighter, and easier to function, and instead of the slew of acquaintances I once had, I now have a handful of cherished friends.

Up

The process of always being up is exhausting. We are awake, or "up" all day and it makes our body so tired that we have to go to sleep, we need sleep to restore our body, give our mind a break. It's as essential to our well being as eating, breathing, drinking. We would wear down and literally die from lack of sleep. It's been proven that a person who is overly tired and lacking in sleep drives as though they have been drinking, and tired driving is just as bad as drunk driving. Our mind needs a break. But not just being physically up is exhausting, but emotionally up. Making do with a Mary Poppins attitude on a day to day basis is just as daunting. There has to be a breaking point in everyone who tries to be the good person, doing what others need, and being others oriented. Eventually they have to be self oriented, selfish, and self centered, and bring their emotional strength back to them. There is only so much that anyone can give to others without it eventually imploding. I imploded yesterday. Even as I knew I was falling, and struggling to keep myself up, I was falling and falling and falling. I felt like the loose end of the rope and I could see myself grasping at the threads only for them to break. Eyes wide and tearing, nose dripping, and shaking.. I fell, I imploded. I failed to keep UP. It was OK. I've seen it happen a few times to other people, and having the been there done that perspective of it, I empathize. Always seemingly foolish on the imploding end of my own self, I know it's not perceived as someone having a fit.. It's just the product of someone not being able to keep UP.

Ch Ch Ch Changes..

I've bought several books by Chuck Klosterman. I really like what he writes, and how his essays are a clear thought that also makes the reader think. Rather than just being entertained, I want to ponder and think about what I just read, especially if it is a new concept to my way of thinking, or perceiving something. The first thing that I read in his Eating the Dinosaur that really struck me was about time travel. It's not so much in the whole idea of time travel, as I don't ever see a possibility of it happening, or that of my ability to participate in it, it's the why of traveling through time that has always struck me as odd, without my being able to answer that for my own self, Chuck has been able to; "People who want to travel through time are both (a) unhappy and (b) unwilling to compromise anything about who they are. They would rather change every element of society except themselves." I had to wholeheartedly agree with him. I also wonder if these would be time travelers could in fact change things to make it better for them in the present sense. As Marty McFly did for him in Back to the Future. I wouldn't want to change time, to go back and examine the minute details of when there was a chance to make a difference, as the timing would have to be precise. Regardless of being able to warn myself to not do something, or to encourage myself to do something, I had to go through those things to be the person I am today. And I like the today me. The second thing he wrote that got my attention was about football, not insomuch as the game, but the whole process of coming from 19th Century football, to what we have now. "how thinking slightly differently can have exponential consequences, particularly when applied to an activity that's assumed to be inflexible" This can be brought to so many aspects in life. I at times view how things are unable to change, but when I look at it in a different way, and think about the possibilities, change does come about. I guess it really comes down to what David Bowie was talking about with Changes. "Just gonna have to be a different man, time may change me, but I can't trace time"

This is what I do

I work all day, I come home to find out that my neighbor is having issues with her son, who lives in her house still, and his on and off again relationship with a woman "J". I was asked by my neighbor "D", who happens to be in Illinois at this time working, if I could get J out of her house. As J is a little crazy and hooked on dusters and makes her son "R" nutty. D wires me some money to get J a room for the week. I tell them I have the money, I can do what ever needs to be done, just had to wait it out to see when one was ready to get rid of the other. This relationship is like fire and gasoline.. just bad, burning, angry fire. J knocks on my door, I go and get her stuff and take her to a hotel. She has freezer burns on her face from the duster cans, such a pretty girl and she looks like someone poured battery acid on her face. I don't judge people, we all have problems, some are just more severe than others. So we chat a bit and I drop her off, I pay for the room and she will be there for a week. I go back home, and R comes to talk to me, and I tell him of the conversation that J and I had. She claims to love him, but I told her love is kind, gentle, caring, not hurtful, and they have a lifetime of hurts that would take another lifetime to heal. When talking to my neighbor D, I told her the only thing I notice with these two people is that they think their issues are bigger and different than anyone else and that nobody understand them, or what they have been through. I have learned that we all have stories, we all have problems, and there isn't anything unique about the human condition, it's just what we decided to do with it that matters.

FFS and no more face book

Two days ago I deactivated my face book, again. Each time I have done this it's out of just being inundated with too much. I know of all the world social ills because of FB, I know what my friends kid ate for lunch because of FB. I know who's child is in the process of potty training, as they even post pictures of the successful potty bowl movement! Seriously for goodness sakes, I don't want to know that much. There has to be a limit to what others share, or how others post and respond. To think that kids are being bullied on FB and some so much so that they have committed suicide. Or how about the fb activists. In all their pride and glory they post about every thing that they are for, or against, sans their laptop, probably while lying in bed. Now I do know there are things that happen because of fb and the ability for people to communicate on there, such as the uprising in Egypt, the fund raising pages, groups and other active organizations who are able to share what they are doing thanks to fb. I'm still not convinced that fb is a positive thing. I have a mere 180 friends, all of only three or four I actually talk to on the phone, or go and do things with. A few are just family, who are out of town, and it's nice to see what's going on with them. And then the work group, which I somewhat regret ever adding anyone I work with to my facebook, when they get fired it's the awkward "do I unfriend them" thing. And yes, I do. But I always like my break, I tend to do more positive things in my life, and occasionally while I am on my hiatus I will do something really cool and think "gee, I should post this" but who cares anyway. So I get three likes and my cousin in Boise Idaho might actually notice and like it. Chances are nobody cares what I'm doing, and they are liking my picture because they like me as a person, and want me to notice them. So really, liking is self directed. So, I don't really care what I'm missing while being off of fb, I'm sure not much will change, or many will notice I'm gone, and if they unfriend me during my hiatus, it's probably doing me a favor.

Uno

I used to write, often and with great clarity. I had a lapse in this writing for others and started to write for myself, journaling and being open with myself in a creative process. It was necessary therapy for me during my most difficult times of my life, it was when living didn't seem worth any effort, my world was crumbling around me and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't share what was going on without feeling as though I would have any kind of scrutiny, and I sure didn't want pity, so I didn't write. My last post blog was over three years ago. And even then it was just a little blurb noticing it had been a year that I had posted something, as it truly had been four years ago when that rug was pulled out from under me, and I caved into myself. So what has happened in the last four years that I stopped writing, blogging, or getting my thoughts out in an open forum? My husband and I divorced. We've only been divorced for two years, however, usually it's bad for several years prior to the divorce, and ours was bad for three years prior, really bad for two. He lost his mind in a bottle of pills and liquor. I tried to maintain the peace, but the pieces fell apart in my hands. My oldest son, being an adult, was in and out of jail, mostly petty things. My teenage son was in and out of juvenile detention, and was sent to a program 250 miles away for four months, and we could only talk on the phone once a week and was only allowed one visit. Before my son went to program my husband was sent to rehab, and then lived in a halfway house during his post recovery. By this time I had fallen out of love, and was done with the relationship. He was not welcome back, and I filed for a divorce. I had no money, my mortgage was more than what I made a month, I was applying for food stamps, and was trying to keep myself together, with four boys in tow. I did receive two miracles, my interest rate was changed and my mortgage was cut in half, and my boys were chosen to participate in a program that would send food for the weekends in back packs home every Friday. Things were starting to come into place and I was feeling like I had made the right decision. I was happier, and the kids were too, but it wasn't without some major pitfalls, emotional roller coasters, and just feeling unworthy. I've made it through.. However, I'm struggling again. I'm not struggling financially, in fact, that's something I don't have to struggle with. I'm not struggling with the kids, they are doing rather well, and I'm thankful for that. I'm struggling because I'm not sure what I want with the rest of my life. I'm being made to feel as though searing for a new great love is supposed to be the main focus on my life, and I hate it. So I'm going to end it there.. I've dated, I've been on dating sites, I've been that woman who's tried. I'm not giving up, I just think doing it in a more unconventional kind of way is what I hope will work for me. Here's hoping. And the rest is yet to come...