5.Which living person do you most admire?

I cannot pinpoint to any one particular person. There is the kid who has started the clean water project in Africa and has wells dug for villagers. And then this other kid I met in Miami who has started a food drive backpack program that helps underprivileged kids eat over the weekend while not in school. Then there is the Dr. I met who went to Haiti, Africa and other places on a humanitarian effort to provide medical services for the poor. I have a friend who has gone through some heavy trials and still continues to smile every day, I actually have a few of those friends. I admire the people I know personally who give me a daily dose of hope. They appear to be your average human being, going about their day doing their thing, you wouldn't know their history, or what they do by just looking at them. I admire those who in the face of adversity, rise above and continue on. I have those people as my friends, I admire them, am proud of them, and tell them so. If I have to choose from a public figure personality, I would have to say Henry Rollins is the man. He speaks out about women and their rights, gays, and their rights, humanitarian objectives, as well as being planet oriented. He shows that being altruistic can be cool.

4.What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Being Selfish. Lacking consideration for others, chiefly concerned with ones own personal profit or pleasure. egocentric, egotistic, egotistical, ego-maniacal, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-seeking, self-serving, wrapped up in oneself; inconsiderate, thoughtless, unthinking, uncaring, uncharitable; mean, miserly, grasping, greedy, mercenary, acquisitive, opportunistic; informal looking after number one "he is just selfish by nature" So many different bad qualities in one simple act. Selfish people are not friends, they cannot be friends, they make terrible mates, and lack empathy. This one was easy, I have known for years that I didn't like selfish people, the world is full of them, and I try to steer clear of them.

3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I thought this one out the most. I deplore and despise my INSECURITY issues. It is a hindering lying long standing, seeded issue that has plagued me for decades. I wish I could find a magic pill that would make my insecurities go away. In essence I somewhat have, it's alcohol, but that just makes me less inhibited. I used to be the person that couldn't make up her own mind, I always needed another opinion, and I often times trusted my parents judgement on my life too much. They are the ones who planted this insecurity seed anyway, through their own fears of the world I didn't learn to trust my own instincts. My insecurities hinder me from taking leaps of faith and stepping out of my comfort zone. My insecurities keep me from going up and talking to that cute guy. My insecurities even keep me from making eye contact at times. It keeps me thinking I'm not good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, just not enough. Insecurities make me feel as though there is a microscope on me at all times. I have the negative self talk that if I try for something I will be mocked, ridiculed and fail. So just don't do it, this comfortable area is much better, if you go out, it might be scary, you might get hurt, you could fail and fall into ruin, don't do it! The voice screams to me. I second guess every decision, I am rarely impulsive and think many things through prior to approaching something important. However, there have been times I have been made to make rash decisions, be quick, not linger, or hinder myself, be decisive and forthright, not back away from conflict, and be someone who is not me. I like this person better, but it comes with a racing heart, wide eyes, and is usually a fight or flight kind of response, not a normal way of thinking, or acting for me. I deplore my insecurities, as it brings out other things I don't like about myself, such as jealousy and fear. Where is my magic pill? I was worse, I guess maybe I did take a magic pill years ago that I didn't know about, it just is a slow release pill. Very slow.

2.What is your greatest fear?

What is my greatest fear? I'm stuck on this, I have many fears, and grew up in a house with a worry wart, fearful father who never took a step out of his comfort zone in fear of many many things. But the real fears are that I fear my own death before my young children are grown and able to take care of themselves, but that is for their sake, not for mine. I don't fear death, unless it is that of one of my children, as I think that would be every parents greatest fear, however, I have known quite a few, too many really, who have experienced the loss of a child and have gone on. I would be devastated, but would go on for the sake of my other children. So, these things are the fear of the unknown. But not knowing what the outcome will be doesn't keep me from trying or experiencing new things. However, with each new step in a new direction, I do have that underlying fear, and it rules my life too much. When I have stepped out of my comfort zone, taken risks, I didn't have disastrous results, things just changed, or were different, not always for the good, but some were for the good. Not always without struggle, and sometimes with more issues compounding it, making me more fearful of my own decisions, fearful of my own next move. So I falter, I stifle, I keep myself in check, primarily out of fear of losing my job, losing my mind, losing something, someone precious to me. The fear of loss, has been something I've struggled with. I kept people I shouldn't have in my life for far too long because I feared the loss of the relationship, only to lose myself in the process. I feared taking a chance, because I feared my own failure and being unsuccessful, but mostly feared being shamed. I feared not having approval, not making others happy, but not making myself happy in that process as well. I have many fears that I have conquered, but they also still haunt me. Like visions of the past of my pain and heartache because of giving into my fears, that should be a reminder of how I also know that fear is a LIAR and will keep you from reaching your full potential, which is another fear of not being good enough. What is my greatest fear though? Watching one of my own children suffer pain, injury and die, it's a realistic fear, one I hope to never have to experience, I fear not dying before they do.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I am responding from the previous post.. When exploring my perfect happiness, it cannot become without having experienced pain, sorrow, grief, anger, resentment, sadness, etc.... Happiness is not the opposite of these things, it is a result of getting through these things and seeing them as a tool to have gratitude. So really I think my perfect happiness is a fullness of gratitude, being truly grateful for what I have, what's before me, and knowing that in itself brings me joy. Thanking the Lord for my health, and the well-being and care taking of my boys is happiness, but I cannot expect heavenly powers to personally make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am responsible for having a perspective that is aligned with my happiness, but that perspective can also align me with jealousy, anger, and resentment. I should solely focus on being happy though, being content with what I have, and being understanding that it's OK to be part of the have-not's of the world, because I am also part of the have's of the world. Knowing I should be grateful for a roof, food, clothing and a job, basic essentials, seems so underrated in comparison to the Kardashians of today's America. But I am happy with my basic needs, as I am providing for them on my own. I work hard, I do what I'm supposed to do, I have a full belly, a warm, or cool house, and live a very comfortable life. I should be happy. I have freedoms that others do not, and even freedoms that women of this world do not have. I should be happy. But what my idea of perfect happiness? Seems such a broad question that brings me back to knowing I am a privileged person, living in a privileged country, even though I struggle with being happy. I am more joyous than happy. Joy comes from being grateful and accepting of a higher power, but happiness, that is of my control, as well of others. Nobody can take my joy, but they can steal happiness from me by being mean, rude, hurting people I love, but in this strife, we struggle to change the circumstances and always move them to be happy. Perfect happiness.. I keep coming back to that. I guess I don't know the answer, I come to joy, I come to contentment, I come to thinking it's purely selfish to have an idea of perfect happiness, as it would only include what would make ME happy. I want everyone to be happy.

many questions

A friend of mine who is a friend of paxus sent me a list of questions he had sent her. She said they took her quite a while to go over and it really opened her up to who she is. I thought it might be interesting to answer a few at a time. I will just leave the whole list here: So many questions.. 1.What is your idea of perfect happiness? 2.What is your greatest fear? 3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? 4.What is the trait you most deplore in others? 5.Which living person do you most admire? 6.What is your greatest extravagance? 7.What is your current state of mind? 8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue? 9.On what occasion do you lie? 10.What do you most dislike about your appearance? 11.Which living person do you most despise? 12.What is the quality you most like in a man? 13.What is the quality you most like in a woman? 14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse? 15.What or who is the greatest love of your life? 16.When and where were you happiest? 17.Which talent would you most like to have? 18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 19.What do you consider your greatest achievement? 20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? 21.Where would you most like to live? 22.What is your most treasured possession? 23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? 24.What is your favorite occupation? 25.What is your most marked characteristic? 26.What do you most value in your friends? 27.Who are your favorite writers? 28.Who is your hero of fiction? 29.Which historical figure do you most identify with? 30.Who are your heroes in real life? 31.What are your favorite names? 32.What is it that you most dislike? 33.What is your greatest regret? 34.How would you like to die? 35.What is your motto? "

to swim, to run

The water carries me, it's the only time I feel lifted, suspended, and weightless. I love swimming, and used to be on the swimming team for my high school. I had more fun than speed or sports agility, but I could swim, I had longevity and stamina, I was one of the few who could do the 100yd swim. I swim now. It's the only time I feel free, graceful, like a ballet dancer performing on the floor, I do what I can, but in the pool. I swim in a 50 meter Olympic size pool, I have a goal of being able to do 32 laps, which is a mile. I swam yesterday, and today. I didn't count my laps yesterday, but today I swam 12 laps, so that's almost 1/4 of a mile.. seems weak, I walk three miles, and have run a mile, but it is different swimming. Someday I might do a triathalon, I have always wanted to. I can train as if I am, and leave the actual doing it up to whether I feel up to it or not. I do think I should enter some 5Ks and start somewhere. I have always been competitive, but try to do it in other areas, at work, home, with the kids, etc.. I should be self competitive. Count my track, my laps, do better the next time, push myself always. I can try to do it.. But as Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try"

friendship schematic

Last night while assisting with a group program, I was talking to another divorcee about not having any friends. I have a few, single friends, but over the last two years my life has changed so much, and so has the schematics of my relationships with others. Seven years ago when I was still in matrimonial blindness, I was part of a very large group of ladies, most of whom were married, had children around the same age of my young two kids, and we all had similar interests. I went to their houses, they came to mine, we did birthday party events for kids, all that regular family jazz. I was a part of something, and the same with my then church family, went to family events, was invited to couples nights, I belonged. For the two years of chaos while I was biting my lip and waiting out my time till I could get out from under my marriage, I did slip away just a little, I resented seeing people happy with their spouses, and having the kind of life I wished I had. So I don't completely blame them, I take responsibility for it as well. When I announced my divorce, so many friends came out of the wood work, were kind, were supportive, were helpful. I needed that, and am grateful. However, as the months went on, I noticed I was invited to less things. Now I made it a point to not talk about my ex, complain, gripe, or anything like that, in all honesty, most people didn't even know there was a problem till I said I was divorcing him. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry. Knowing this, and seeing the contacts dwindle did upset me, but I also expected it. I have learned that married people don't like the example of the divorced person being in their presence, it reminds them that their marriage isn't as good as they would like, or want others to think. I'm also now a threat, their husband may find me attractive, and may want to leave them for me, which I know happens, but for me, it would be a moral implication and a lack of my own self respect and respect for them to allow such a thing. So now that my schematic friendship profile is a lot lighter, and easier to function, and instead of the slew of acquaintances I once had, I now have a handful of cherished friends.